FOD

Just prior to my extremely minor surgery, I contracted a very serious disease called FOD. FOD is a pervasive problem, and one that should not be taken as lightly as a grain of salt in American Society. I found that, the closer I got to the knife, the more FOD ravaged my brain. I’m sure many other Americans have experienced this as well. It’s like Mad Cow.

While under the influence of FOD, I bequeathed large chunks of money and property to veritable strangers who had been nice to me during the 48 hours prior to my surgery. I made peace with old enemies, sought out indiscreet sexual encounters, and reminded everyone in my life that I loved them. I worked out 4.5 hours per day, in the event that my body was to be permanently marred during surgery. I even talked to the big guy (and girl), in case the FOD antibodies mutated into their lethal counterpart, D.

Bonus Round: 
Q: “Why do men chase women?” A: “Because they fear death.”